stop and think

The thing I wanna talk about today is humanism. Every individual should have the right to think and say whatever he feels right after a thorough thinking. Every person to his own. And everybody helps others in shaping their views, ideas and thoughts. That’s it. It may seem quite easy but its not.

Not everyone wants to think on his own. We are too used to being spoon-fed to be free thinkers. We need guidelines on which to trot. Biggest problem with this is that we hinder everyone who diverts from these paths, and so we stop his, ours and humanity’s growth. That is basically the reason I hate organizations or systems. Most of them are started with two or three level-headed sane people. But soon more and more people come and subscribe to their ideas. As most of these newcomers are just wishy-washy people, soon the organization becomes rigid and stale, with same old ideas and patterns of thinking. So in a way that system loses its original value with which it was formed.

I mean, India was once famous for creation. We had mastered all the knowledge of universe that was there to be mastered. At that time we used to worship intelligence more than anything else, but now every one of those aspects of our society have been lost. My religion, my state, my country, so narrow minded we have become that we have stopped caring for other new ideas which are out there waiting to be given a chance to develop. Not even a single thought about what are we doing and why.

We would have to stop before it is too late. Stop conforming people. Have the guts to say something new and different and face its consequences. Giving voice to your thoughts is not always easy. You would be suppressed and cast off. Let no one strangle your voice. That is, in my opinion, true meaning of life – to add something. And to do that we have to stop living like cockroaches.

Signing off

Miles

rehab

With things becoming messier than ever and me trying to emulate “House MD”, I think a lot has changed since the last time I babbled about Eshan’s blog. Do I need to mention that was one big black time in my life? But I am doing much better now thanks to support from roomie and DDA. I am explaining, listen.

You know, how people say it is always better not to know too much, take it from me- it is true. It all started when I was doing my internship with KRCL. Most of the times, I would be just sitting by myself or watching something on TV or laptop or I would be out in nature. All those times when I was alone, allowed me venture into myself. What am I and who am I? Answers were not bearable. You might not be able to apprehend the position that I was in at that moment. But let me tell you one thing- when you know for sure, everything around you is just lies, traditions and rituals and that all of this is meaningless, it is not surprising to fall into grip of hopelessness. I have seen the true face of me and lets just say I am not a big fan. Okay, if you still don’t get it I don’t think you ever will, so I am gonna go to next part- recovery.

It is my roommate who deserves more than half the credit. He challenged my every fundamental with the vigor which every person with good knowledge and strong belief in socialism would. He was unsuccessful most of the times but he tried every time. I began to sit in his room whenever I had to study. I was recovering, but slowly. Then one day, one of his comments changed everything. One sardar told me that I was fat. I said I didn’t care about looking fat (as always). Then roomie said why do you take everything to be in terms of looks and getups and facades. Sometimes looking fat might mean that there is something unhealthy going on inside your body. Something to do with your lifestyle. Dude, that changed everything. I started jogging from that day itself and that was the day everything started going my way. Some might ask why didn’t you give colloq report or PPT, I would answer I need a degree extension but in actuality, my intern was too good and I wasn’t able to do justice with it. But at some time I realized that it need not be perfect, I can get away with average, that’s when I embraced mediocrity. Running everyday brings energy and freshness which never rests for which I have to thank DDA for helping me by constructing a big park in front of hostel gate.

So this is how this has been so far, it was just a semester but ask me how long it was. I am still under rehab, doing study at roommate’s and running 1-2 kms daily.

Finally an advice from the experienced- do not try to know too much about yourself or about anything. You might not like what you find. Let it come when it is to come. I know it is my own philosophy never to listen to anyone and try everything out. But in some cases, it might be too late. I was able to recover because I am a psycho. You might be stuck in loop forever. You can trust me on this one.

about conforming and things

Question: why would someone pretend to be someone he is not? Why would he, who was once known for his good articulation, who could always exact words to describe his feelings and thoughts, decide to step down to simple language so that a particular group of people who read him?

Answer: He is conforming just to get accepted.

I had a particular purpose for writing this post. For past many eons, I have been doing absolutely nothing so I had nothing to blabber about. But sometime in very recent past (days have become so indistinguishable that I can’t point to any particular day. But it was yesterday or day before that, most probably), Eshan asked me read his second blog, the one he started recently. I was surprised to see that it was easy to read and not well expressed. Simple language but nothing to think about. It has always been my point that if something I read doesn’t leave me thinking it was a waste of my time. I read something, I ponder over it for days, I get absorbed in it so much that it shows in my day-to-day life. I don’t know what his point in writing that blog was. Maybe so that his college friends would read it. If this works for him and his friends appreciate it, good for him. But why tell me about it. What did he think I would have to say about it. If he knows me, and I think he does, he would have known that I wouldn’t like it. I was thinking of leaving a comment on his blog as for wasting my time. but I thought that would put his “mission of college life” in jeopardy. In juxtaposition he used to write better in 11^th grade. He improved constantly as long as I have known him. Maybe his life was empty and inactive but his mind wasn’t and he was always able to express himself. vocab in daily use is rarely useful in expressing thoughts and emotions. But he used to know all this. He still does. personally i wont give up myself at all costs. i am already paying for being me. This is all I got to say here. i'll save harsh words for when we meet.

By the way, we came third in inter hotel bridge competition. I have been getting better at chess and minors are approaching and I still don’t have anything to do with my leisure time.

some good news

We stood second in inter hostel scrabble event. i was in the team. I am proud of how well i played in final. That was the only match we lost. But this weekend was fun. Totally mind blowing. Thats all.

today

Got psych analyzed again, this time by an AIIMS psychiatrist. He said same things as the previous one. No illness, hence no drugs. Pretty good day till now. I had a lot of mithai in the morning on the occasion of Raksha Bandhan. I don’t feel like doing anything other than sitting in front of lappi and watching new something. Just watched Serenity a movie based on series called Firefly. Hell of a movie, one of the good ones. But on the other hand I have been watching pretty decent movies in the past few days. I have still got my training report to submit. And I am four days late already. Don’t know, they’ll accept my submission now or not. So wish me luck.

PS: do watch "the man from earth", a very good movie.

about today

A day just like any other : boring. I don’t know why this keeps happening. No one, not even myself is able to diagnose this problem, where it comes from and where am I headed to. But still I have got to try. My shrink says that something I have experienced in childhood is affecting me now and I indulge in sadistic pleasures. She wants me to think about these. She is also meeting my parents on day after tomorrow. All my life I have never listened to anyone. Always did whatever I wanted to do. But never did this thing came so stale in front of me. Right now I am figuratively destroying myself. Running away from submissions, procrastinating each and every thing I can. I am dead tired and want to sleep but I am also afraid of being woken up by that inane rep and call me for scrabble practice, so I have to stay awake. I also have to eat something before I sleep. I will go to SAC later. New canteen open there. I have to study Barron word lists also. so bye-bye.

purely abstract logic,no strings attached

i realize this isn't much fun seeing your grades coming one by one. you would love to go to some pain giving dominatrix sessions so that you can find your grades all together, not to be taunted by your profs and grades.

i used to write a diary. now i have decided to save paper and instead contribute to global warming by sending out heat off my laptop into northern pole glaciers.

my hair is getting longer with each passing day, but still i am far shorter than lord Shiva, whose hair took years of negligence which resulted in him getting hair so long and dirty that he had to summon Ganga from heaven to wash his hair. Chicks must dig that look at that time, there is no other way i can explain his 108 marriages. why dont i get any. cant blame someone if he finds those goddesses hot. they actually were. it worked that way. goddesses were hot but males were either too cranky and dirty or had four heads or had a anaconda as his couch.

i'm done. fuck off.

Everyday i feel myself a little bit weaker

I am sure I was a superman when i was born.

I got to write this off before effect of sleep wears off.

Sleep left me. As soon as I realized that I was not gonna die in my sleep, not this time anyway, I embraced myself for another day of lies. I felt like crap(could budge my eyes or my body).I tried to find my mobile like a blind person who could only move his arms; it is always below my pillow somewhere. I managed to find it, forced my eyes to see time. it was 8:04 am. Sure I felt like crap. I went to bed around 5:00 am. I decided to stay in bed for some time.

Then it came. A bout of nausea, stronger than ever. Another day triumphed. Was this the way it was supposed to be? Each day I feel myself getting a little bit sicker. Each day I come out of my bed feeling miserable, with no idea of why I would like to go through another awesome day of this shitty life. But I am able to hide my confusion easily. With each I have been growing weaker I had been getting good in wearing my mask. Façade which need so dearly because world doesn’t need to know what I am on the inside. It is actually just about a handful of them, you know, different ones to use when I am with different people, when I am in different situations. Mostly I wear the one having a big smile pasted on it. It sometimes give the impression of a joker. God, do I need to say to say I hate this one. But I wear it anyhow because it is the one that keeps people away from reaching out to me. They see a happy smiling person and they figure out nothing is wrong. Another one tries to keep people occupied by making fun of other people’s facades. You would be actually surprised how poorly people choose their masks. I sometimes see right through them to see a writhing soul(or whatever you wanna call it) trying to break away. Then there is my favorite one who cares about this world, one who cares to pay people a visit once in awhile, who likes to wear clean laundry, one who fears what might happen if his CGPA drops below 7.0 because he wont be able to apply to some companies, he is slow so he can have a girl like walk. This one is a charmer, he really is. He is vulnerable as everybody else which is good because, you see, it gives people to think they have gotten inside you, they have torn off all your masks (or what I call my “wall”, stolen from Mr. Pink Floyd). A false impression to give. Nobody has ever got through this wall. On one or two occasions, I might have let something in, but made sure it wasn’t someone. I knew better than to give people key to my heart.

I am shouting a little bit too much these days. That is an efficient way to muffle voices in your head. I brain gets so mixed up when I hear to them. I am not used to them.

I got to stop now because you know I think I am waking up.

It was nice to let it out. But one thing I must clarify, no one would be able to get me with my mask off. There is just a skull beneath. It will scare you off. No one befriends a scary looking person.

WHY TO HATE RELIGION

So now I have a major tomorrow. But I can’t get myself to study because I do not force myself to do things I don’t like. So instead I would like to explain why I hate religion.

Drawback no. 1-

Religion gives a chance to correct yourself. That is you can change yourself anytime. One would think that is not a bad thing to do, like someone can revert back to “good” ways (whatever he thinks these good ways maybe) anytime. Every religion offers you with a lot of ways for redemption like going to Mecca or bathing in Ganges or visiting Akal Takht. A person indulges in “evil” activities (again abstract… I don’t have the critical skills to define abstract things… you may assume them to be anything you like… like robbing someone else in anyway… like government officials), and bathes in Ganges on Kumbh or whatever. What he has now. A feeling that all his sins have been washed away with all the loiter by Ganges and he can peacefully return to his usual selfish ways. I mean who gives these people mental satisfaction of being on the self proclaimed path of nirvana when all they have done in their short and pathetic lives is live foe sake of consumerism. Can holding a religious gathering at your place once in a while and mumbling few lines of Ramayan shift-delete whatever you have done in your past life. These people must be banned from making pilgrimages to Haridwar. Infact religion must be banned from taking a refuge in someone’s heart.

Look, all I am saying is someone who wants to do something good in his life won’t need to donate huge amount of money to some temple. So stop trying to hide yourself behind religion and accept responsibility for whatever you have done. If you are to justify yourself even then or don’t think you have done any wrong, then I got no problem with you. For all of you posing themselves as Hanuman bhakht, stop doing it. Religion is just giving you another way to spend your money for entertaining yourself. So you can just purchase some clothes instead or get a good meal once in a while(that might even be of some use).

I think all of you know what other drawbacks are- religion kills people, does more damage than nuclear weapon, disfigures you mentally instead of physically, makes you irresponsible for your actions like it was all destined to be. But I wanted to discuss just this one, cause it has been bothering me quite some time now.

just checking if this thing really works

Do not read this. There is nothing productive in there and don’t you ever think that it can be of any use.

I don’t know why I am writing this blog because I know I am not such a good writer and nobody is going to read it anyway. One of the many probable reasons can be for the same reason I keep a diary that is to vomit out the things which I can’t digest, things which are troubling my oversized and out of proportion head. So if you are still reading here we go.

First thought shall be the reason why this idea (of blog) came up in my mind. One day I was watching this movie called Lakshya. It is about soldiers and all. One thing about Hindi movies is that the hero seldom dies (they NEVER die in those south movies). Apart from that the movie was fine. So I was watching this movie and soldiers were fighting and dying and all of a sudden it occurred to me how much they deserve from us and how much we return to them. I mean these are the people who have seen death from very close. These are the ones who put their lives in danger for us. They have real life experiences. They must be respected for how much endurance they have. But still most of the parents won’t want their child to go into army. Isn’t that sad? I think they are not given the proper regard they deserve.

This is the time you cry ”bullshit” and close the tab. But I know you have too much extra time.

So second will be about me and jogging. Well I have been getting fat, too much fat since past year. A lot of rumors were flying around about me being pregnant and people asking me ’kiska paap hai ye’. And also lots of people advised me to run to lose weight. Well I never listened to them and finally their advices died away. But I was watching this movie where the girl had congenial heart disease and her heart was losing strength. Sometimes she would black out during her routines. And she said that she would like to run. I saw how we don’t enjoy these trivial things. How we run for something we don’t have in this blind world of consumerism and how we can’t be happy with what we have. Right then I decided to give running a try and it may seem a little odd to be coming from a lazy ass like me but its lots of fun. Like when you are actually frustrated and want to feel pain or drain out your frustration, then instead of watching TV or cutting your wrist, you can just run and you will see how great that feels. Means like you can run faster and your limbs will start hurting after some time and you can actually enjoy the pain if you want to. Going for normal jogging, don’t start too fast (trust me on this one, you may end up running less than your normal). And try to look around and enjoy the environment. You’ll feel great.

I have got an interview for tomorrow. If I am selected I’ll be off to J&K for this summer. No stipend but all expenses covered. Okay too much writing and I want to sleep off my physical distress. Goodbye.